somewhere along the way i lost sight of what i was looking for. in a fleeting moment my world was whole. i found the exact feeling i had been searching for my entire young adulthood. why things don't feel the same even though the circumstances have for the most part remained the same, i do not know.
perhaps it's the pressure. the pressure to be so in love with a person that you give up your own world. or the pressure to maintain a lifestyle above status quo.
or maybe the pressure doesn't even exist and i'm acting out of anticipation, fear, anxiety, or some horrible amalgam of all three.
fearing that monogamy is evil. anxious to make a move because i know i'm not ready but an invisible force is pushing down on me with the anticipation of what life will be like after i take either path.
i'm young. that's what it boils down to. i have not seen enough of this world without rose colored glasses to make a completely logical decision. or perhaps, a logical decision does not exist in the context of love and i am simply too naive to acknowledge that.. or am compensating by convincing myself that love is irrational in itself.
in conclusion,
i am not ready to conclude this chapter of my life.
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